Everyone has something in their life that is a HUGE trial. There is something that everyone faces that is huge and brings you down. Sometimes it is easIER to deal with while other days you are on your bed crying your eyes out wondering "Why you?" For each person it's different some of us have the same. No matter what we all have something. It is no secret that for me it is infertility.
My life with an always negative pregnancy test...
When Michael and I were engaged I got on the pill. We were both convinced that we did not want a child right away. Then, about 3 days (yes 3 days, leave your judgments at the door) into the marriage, I decided I wanted a baby. So, after about a month of the pill, possible two, we started to not prevent. I think that year I took about 40 pregnancy tests. No joke. I was obsessed. Every little thing was a pregnancy sign. EVERY. LITTLE. THING. Every month I had myself convinced that I was pregnant. I never was, though.
Close to our one year anniversary is when we moved to California. We decided that with me going to school and Michael going to school in a very expensive state and no Mom and Dad close by to help bail us out that having a child would not be in our best interest over the next few years. So we prevented for about 3 years. It makes me sick to think that now. I don't know how to describe it. I know this isn't true but I sometimes wonder if our chance to have a baby was during that time and maybe I missed the prompting from the spirit or wasn't close enough to the spirit and my chance is lost. I want to repeat that I know that's not true but sometimes I think it.
When we did decide to start trying again I didn't know what to expect. Also, we weren't trying we were just no longer preventing. It was almost as if we weren't really ready to say, "YES!! We are so ready to be parents", so we just kind of went with the flow. During this time is when I met a friend of mine who has some infertility problems as well. She has three beautiful children, two of which are twins, that she had to work hard and take a lot of medication for. She went through infertility treatment several times before she got the children she has. I remember sitting on her couch and we were talking about the treatments she was about ready to go through and I was really just learning. I remember saying to her that I was afraid that I, too, would have to go through these treatments. She said that I was probably wrong in my thinking and that for sure I would be pregnant or have a child within a year.
*Let's take a time out*
I have always wanted to be a mom. When I was a little girl I used to play house all day long. I always had baby dolls that I took everywhere. My parents were even awesome enough to get me a doll car seat that came in the car with us so my dolls would be safe. When Frankie became old enough to play I would make her be my kid. For me, it was just natural, to me, to think about being a mom.
When I was a sophomore in college I had an English teacher who had us write a paper on what our major was and why. At the time I was majoring in Elementary Education and the reason was because it was the best job to have when I would be a mom. Being a mom is all that ever was important to me.
*Back to my story*
I was convinced that my friend was right. She was too. It was crazy to think that I would not be pregnant or a parent within a year. Then a year turned into 18 months which turned into 2 years. 2 years and no kid. Even if you are a woman who does not want a kid I can guarantee that in the back of everyone woman's mind she thinks that when the time comes to have a kid it will just happen. People get pregnant everyday. You hear about people having babies all around the world. Your 16 year old friend or niece or whoever gets pregnant so why won't you be able to get pregnant too? So when it's been two years and you are still not pregnant it's almost unbelievable. So you go to the doctor.
Going to the doctor is a huge roller coaster. First, some doctor's don't believe you. That sounds crazy but it took several doctors and me finally saying out right that I want fertility treatment for it to even get started. Then there are the tests and the medications and the list of procedures and going down the list of procedures. There are so many moments of frustration that you want to pull out your hair. In the meantime Snookie and Kim Kardashian and your sister and your friend and that girl you hate on Facebook are all getting pregnant and having babies. I don't even know how to describe it. It's like the world is moving forward and you are left behind somehow. Like you can't move because your feet are stuck. Like those dreams where you can't run fast enough but real life.
I remember a very defining moment when I was sitting in my doctor's office. Well, she was the PA. Both her and my doctor are two amazing people. They are both so great at explaining things to help me understand completely and they are both so understanding. So I'm sitting in the PA's office. I had just finished an ultra sound after pumping my body with an insane amount of drugs over the past few weeks. I had my blood drawn like 5 times and had to arrange my already crazy work schedule around doctor's appointments. It was nuts. I knew that her pulling me into her office wasn't going to be a good thing but after a few weeks of craziness I was hoping for the best. She passed me a box of tissues and explained to me that based on the amount of drugs I got compared to the amount of eggs I was producing continuing forward with any fertility treatment would not be a good idea because it would be a waste of money. I was told that me getting pregnant was less than a 5% chance.
I just sat and stared forward. It was horrible. Still makes me cry when I think about it. Everything that I had worked for was smashed. I didn't go to work that day. Well I did and they sent me home. I just sat in my house totally depressed.
Let's take a moment to compare this to your trial, whatever it may be. So you get where I am. I know that at some point in your life you have flat out said in a prayer, "I need to know, right now, why I am going through this and what the end result is. I know that trials take time and patience but right now I need to know when this will be over." I know you have because I have. However, the Lord doesn't work in that way. You have to learn. You have to grow. That's why we are here on Earth is to learn and grow.
If you have read my blog before than you know the next steps in my crappy journey. I started infertility acupuncture. I believe in natural medicine. I do. Whole heartily. I believe that there is an equal place in your life for a "regular" doctor and a "natural" doctor. It's a balance and you need both. So, why wouldn't I give acupuncture a try? It felt so right and I got all excited again. The last month of my acupuncture consisted of the craziest diet that Michael and I have ever done in our lives. I would not recommend it to my worst enemy. For the record, I don't really have any enemies because holding grudges is dumb and takes energy. Anyways, it was horrible. We ate like we were rabbits and had no energy.
I should add, at this point, that everyone thinks they know everything there is to know about how to have a baby. Everyone knows someone that did this diet or took this medicine or stood on there head for 30 minutes a day and got pregnant so it must be the answer to infertility. Just to tell you, some women just can't get pregnant, ok. If you hear that someone can't get pregnant don't tell them about your sister's best friend's cousin's best friend's aunt that got pregnant because for three weeks she did some crazy thing. Just don't.
So we are on this crazy diet and I'm at the end of my rope. Everyone is telling me about all these crazy diets that I should try next. At one point I was standing at what is called the "Expo" at my work talking with a girl I work with. She is telling me about the next crazy diet I should try. As I listened to her I realized that this was my line in the sand that I couldn't cross. I can't try every diet. I can't keep spending thousands a month on acupuncture. I need to take a deep breath and start moving on in my life. So, at that moment at the expo I chose to move on. Being stuck in a mindset that some day I will get pregnant is holding me back from a lot. I know it's true because not moving on would have held me back from setting up the adoption I was supposed to have this year. Even though that has been hell to pay for I still would have missed on that growing experience. It was a very essential step I needed to take in my life. I'm glad I moved on.
When I told my acupuncturist she begged me to not stop. She said I was too young to give up hope. That made me take a step back. I realized that I WILL NEVER IN MY LIFE give up hope. I will always hope with everything inside of me that one day I will get pregnant. I STILL take pregnancy tests every once in a while because I hope and pray, man oh man do I pray, for a pregnancy. Being pregnant is something I wanted to eventually be able to do my whole life. How could I give up that hope?
So, here I am. I am getting closer and closer to 30 and I do not have a baby and don't really see one entering my life any time soon. Wow, that sentence sucks. I can't, even though I want to, just sit on my bed and cry everyday. I can't. I have to move on and be a human and make an income and spend time with my husband and family. So, how do I fight against this trial and live with it?
If you look at my blog in the blurb about me it says that I believe happiness is found through exercise, eating right and finding a drop of awesome in each day. You guys hear and see me talk about fitness and eating right all day. It's easy to share that with you. The point of this particular post is to talk about finding a drop of awesome in each day.
I JUST finished and filled up every page in my Awesome Journal. On the day that was supposed to be my baby shower and the birth mother of the child I was supposed to have told me she changed her mind my friend followed the spirit so well she will never understand the impact it had in my life. She returned the baby gift she had gotten me and bought me nail polish a Diet Dr. Pepper and this Awesome Journal.
*We have to take another break to go into the past*
I have this friend and we used to just take time to read from a book that was called something like 10,000 things to smile about...or something. It is a book that just has a bunch of things that make you smile. Like sunsets, clean sheets, your first day in brand-new underwear, your pet knowing you are in a bad mood so comes over to see you, the stupid things cats do... My all time favorite was, "The way your head turns when you eat a taco". How awesome is that? How can you not smile when you think about how everyone in the world turns their head when they eat a taco? That's awesome.
*Back to what I was saying*
It turns out that the guy who wrote that book that we used to read so often from also put together this journal my other friend gave me. In the journal some pages are blank for me to fill out, others have things from his book and others have "assignments" like: Name 3 awesome people in your life and describe why they are awesome. In the beginning of the journal the guy explains the purpose of the journal is to encourage you to find one thing in each day that is awesome and journal it. Between this and my 100 Days Happy posts I was doing on Instagram I found something great in my day for 241 days in a row. I will tell you what, that takes work. When you have had a crap day you have to really think and find the awesome thing in it you start to realize how there really is happiness in each trial you face.
The last month I was doing this I really started to realize that I would be going through my day and suddenly something would stop me and I would think, "This is it. This is the awesome thing today. I can't wait to write it down in my journal." Then I would think about it all day long. I would smile over and over again thinking about that awesome thing. Sometimes something crappy would happen after I "found my thing" so I would just think about it and it would bring a smile back to my face. We'll call that benefit #1. That benefit is great.
However, the best benefit is it made me optimistic. Seriously. I can officially say that I am a glass is half full type of person. All because I had forced myself to find the happiness in each day. Is that coming across with the right gusto? I forced myself to find something that made me happy for 241 days in a row so now it's easy for me to find the happiness in each situation. Now when I say easy keep in mind that sometimes it's way easier than others. Sometimes it still takes work but now I am in practice of it. I know how to because I trained myself to do it.
Now, how does this apply to my blog?
Being healthy is mind, body and soul. Mind and body come from exercising and eating right. These are two very essential parts. However, you are doing nothing if you don't have the soul. You need to take care of that spirit inside of you. You need to be happy. Focusing on the negative of your big trial is going to happen. You will always have days that you will cry, out loud may I add, "WHY ME? Why do I have to suffer from this." However, those moments need to be sandwiched with optimism. If you don't have optimism that things are going to get better then how can you be happy?
So, I am going to challenge you. Go out and get a notebook or a journal or use your computer or your phone or whatever. For the next 100 days pick out something awesome about your day. Even on the days when it seems impossible sit and think and something will come. There is always good to your day. ALWAYS. You just have to search for it. On day 100 think about how different you are now that you know how to find awesome. Think about how it can affect you going into the future. Hold on to your optimism and never let it go. Keep pushing yourself to find awesome in your day everyday. Do it now...
Because there is NO better time than Now.
I want to share with you some of my favorites of my own awesome journal:
Pictures colored by your nieces and given to you, awesome.
It is awesome when friends who have not seen each other in a long time can pick up right where they left off.
It is awesome what a run can do for me.
It's awesome when that I can just hang with my spouse and it's fun.
It is awesome when you can take apart something, like the vacuum, and put it back together all by yourself. And it's right!
It's so awesome to laugh.
It's awesome when you are able to get a lot done and still get to fit in a nap.
Going to a movie by yourself, awesome.
Puppy paws are awesome.
It's awesome when the book you have been waiting for arrives in the mail.
It's awesome when you take a day and sleep in until noon. Because, dang it, you needed it.
Bonfires on the beach...awesome.
Guardians of the Galaxy...awesome.
Remembering you have a stack of cash "hidden" away is awesome.
Having late night, weird conversations with your sisters is awesome.
Project Runway is awesome.
I have so many more but want to add my one from last night. It was the last one to make it into my journal:
Driving home and Tim Conway Jr. (guy on AM 640 radio station) is just playing cheesy auto-tuned songs like "Friday" and "Hot Problems" and being able to sing a long to all of them is awesome. Just awesome.