If you have been following my blog since day 1 then you know why I am doing this. For those that missed it and maybe because the others need a reminder I will give a bullet point overview:
- I was feeling down because of the adoption falling through.
- I needed a change and a fresh start.
- I wanted to feel great in my own body.
- I wanted to lose those last few pounds.
- I wanted a challenge.
When I say I wanted a challenge I don't mean like all the challenges I have faced this year. How many times can I say that I really just freaken want 2014 to be over? I mean like a challenge that I can control and feel good about. I wanted a healthy way to channel my feelings of depression. I wanted to feel like I had control over something that was hard.
My workouts are challenging. I sweat each day. Some days I fall down flat because my arms, legs, shoulders, whatever just won't hold me up anymore. What is great, though... What keeps me together and helps me realize that I can do anything. Yes anything. Is when my body gives out and I am laying on my floor flat and feeling defeated I am able to take a deep breath, wipe my sweat, and get back up on my shaky limbs and finish my workout. Even if it means I only do one more push up, I take control. I decide that I can get through it because I am strong. Because I control me and what happens not the other way around.
Somehow, when you feel those feelings in your workout and conquer something hard it transfers into your life. You suddenly realize what it's like to conquer something that is hard.
You might all be sick of hearing about it but it's me and my life and my reality. Not being able to have a kid when it's something that you expect you should just be able to do is super hard. It's frustrating. It sucks. Most days are just neutral. Where I just accept that this is my life and there isn't anything I can do to change it. Then there are some days that are so easy. Like I have complete faith that there is this huge plan for me that is perfect. I know exactly what I need to do to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then there are THOSE days. The ones where I'm so distraught. I sit on my bed and cry and cry and cry and wonder why I can't just get pregnant. I get mad. I get overwhelmed with grief. It's horrible. It is truly a day from hell. Those days are fewer and far between but they still come. I actually am quite sure I will have those days either until I get pregnant, I die, or the second coming comes. I will never get over the fact that I can't get pregnant. I know that even after adopting a child and feeling the overwhelmingly feelings of gratitude of being a mother I will still grieve that I can't get pregnant. My mother-in-law once told me that she thinks it's equal to the lost of a child. It's like I am losing all these children I made up in my head my whole life. I think she's right.
Now let's talk about a different thing you are all sick of hearing about. This adoption falling through. We had the room set up. I had just organized all his little clothes and shoes and socks preparing for my baby shower. I couldn't wait to bring him home. But he never came home. At least not to me. It feels like a part of me is missing. How insane is that? How can you miss and feel empty for something that was never really yours? However, I do. I really do feel like he is missing. I'm super afraid that the whole in my heart that little boy left will never be filled by anything. I'm afraid it will always be empty. A person, who is very close to me and I will keep their identity safe, told me that she once waited for a missionary. When he got home she was ready to jump into his arms and marry him. However, he kicked her to the curb pretty fast and blunt. She said she was afraid she would never fill that spot that he left. She is now married to a GREAT guy and has 5 amazing children. It is safe to say that the spot got filled by the person it was meant to be filled by. Her telling me that story makes me think that this hole will be filled by the baby it is supposed to be filled by. However, right now that seems impossible.
Let's draw this all together now.
These two trials in my life are real. And hard. They consume my life. Most days I feel great in it all and like I can handle it. Then some days it's like all my limbs gave out and I'm laying flat on the floor. I feel tired and defeated. However, because of me working out and understanding what I can overcome, I just take a deep breath, wipe my sweat, get back up on my shaky limbs and finish the workout. Because I can. Because I'm strong.
Honestly. Honestly. Me working out reminds me how much it's mind over matter. How I can conquer anything if I just set my mind to it. Anything. I just have to challenge myself. Challenge myself to be the person I want to be.
What do you need to do to challenge yourself? What trials are in your life that overwhelm you and bring out your weaknesses? Don't you want to conquer them? Working out is a great step to do so. I believe that. I live that. So, challenge yourself to be strong. Because you are strong. Contact me to get your workout started. Do it now...
Because there is NO better time than NOW!
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